Hell is in Norway

My life as an exile

Hell is in Norway sets out to explode some of the myths surrounding this supposedly just, caring country. The reality is closer to 1984, and has more in common with the Soviet Union than a modern democracy. Not surprisingly it has one of the world’s highest suicide rates.

It is an advanced, high tech economy with an electrical system built to the same specification as Albania’s and where, as a result, they have more domestic electrical fires than any other country in Europe.

Sample chapter: The Law of Averages

Today we have a two hour National Strike against the government proposal that the holiday allowance be reduced by one day to help solve their budget crisis. As you would expect from a communist country, employers are not allowed to negotiate these things. No, the government has decreed that everybody, regardless of age, seniority, type of job, all get the same statutory holiday, which they must take. When the loss of one day’s holiday was mooted, there was a national outcry because it meant that, oh horror of horrors, we would have one day less than Denmark. Not only must everybody have the same in Norway, but with a bit of an effort maybe we can reduce the whole world to Norway’s uninspiring mediocrity.

Norway actually aspires to mediocrity and sometimes even manages to achieve it. Excellence is not only undesirable, it is despised and anyone who “thinks they are better than me” had better watch out. It is closely comparable with the way children hate being different and no matter how absurd the norm is, that is what they will aspire to. They also hate goody, goodies and exceptionally “brainy” kids. The Norwegians even have a special word for it (Janteloven - the law of envy), which is quite an achievement for a language so inadequate that it does not even have a word for Thesaurus. Anyone with an education is treated with suspicion and the rich are regarded as a fair target for any social persecution that can be thought up.

We were warned well in advance of the impending national strike, which encompasses most of the public sector. In most countries this would go unnoticed, but when the majority of the population is employed by the State, things do get a bit messy. We were advised to make our own travel arrangements as the buses and trains would be off and so would the traffic wardens, though not, unfortunately the police. And the nurses are striking so, whatever you do, don’t get sick!

I have already said how reliable I think most statistics are; about as trustworthy as a US president. It still amazes me though that people con themselves and others and allow themselves to be endlessly conned by the misuse of statistics. Sometimes it is stupidity, at others more like wishful thinking. A recent newspaper article listed a range of occupations together with maximum, minimum and average pay levels for each of those occupations. The editorial made the normal facile analysis about spending power and so on, concluding with the priceless piece of advice:

“Check your salary level against the range for others in your occupation. Make sure you are getting at least the average!”

I would have thought that even the dumbest schoolchild with a CSE in elementary maths could work out the flaw in this strategy. But only next week, an architect friend of mine was negotiating the new pay rates for his staff. Being a Texan he is fairly generous about most things and pays top dollar in an effort to hire the best architectural staff in Oslo. The Union man presented him with a demand for a 20% increase, unheard of in this socialist society where there is general acceptance of cost of living plus a bit, currently around 3%. His logic was based on income data from other practices in Oslo, as well as their own.“Look. You can see that if we don’t get this pay rise, then next year we will not only not be the best paid in Oslo, we will be below average.”

“I see. It appears that the reason you won’t be the best paid is because you have put as number 1 a practice called Snøhetta, who seem to be earning, as you rightly point out, over 20% more than we do now.”

“That’s right. You see how serious this is.”

“But aren’t we called Snøhetta?”

“Yes, now you can see how important it is to give us the raise.”

Just to encourage the politics of envy they, like the Swedes, publish annually a summary of everybody’s tax returns. This is not to encourage anyone to aspire to improving their lot by hard work or ambition. It simply serves to arouse that natural Scandinavian resentment of anybody getting more than their fair share. This, combined with the minimum wage and the mandatory service charge is one of the root causes of the Scandinavian service “culture”. It gives the illusion of an affluent society, but because everybody else is paid the same, it is impossible to increase your own purchasing power however hard you work or however high you rise in your chosen career. Can you imagine the effect, for example in a major industrial company, of raising the minimum wage to a level equivalent to, say the works manager. That means that everybody from bog cleaner, through unskilled assembly worker, skilled machinist, master craftsman to manager gets the same. Not much of an incentive to spend years acquiring skills or take on additional responsibility is it? In reality they do maintain very slight differentials but not enough to inspire a particularly committed work ethic. It is not that Scandinavians are intrinsically lazy, it is more that they are thoroughly demotivated. However incompetent or lazy you are you will only get fired for making politically incorrect statements and, however good you are you will not get a raise beyond what everyone else is getting.

In recent years, perhaps realising that the economy is on pretty shaky ground even with all the oil, they have toyed with the idea of the “Viking Law” to replace the “Envy Law”. Inspired so they say by Thatcherism. The Falklands episode certainly stirred up their ancient Nordic passions. They seemed to be under the impression that the basis of her policies was to send a fleet of highly armed soldiers half way across the world in a fleet of boats, to invade distant islands, more or less in line with their own earlier foreign policy. They entirely overlooked the bit about personal motivation, eliminating over-manning in the public sector, downsizing and improving efficiency.