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The first question to cross my
mind when asked about life in Norway is whether such a thing
exists. I have been here for over a year now and still struggle to
find signs of anything more evolved than amoebic life forms. There
is a rumour that Scandinavia represents some kind of Socialist
Paradise; others contend that it is hell on earth, without the
benefit of central heating. Whilst it is true that Hell (population
2000) is in fact located in Norway, just a few miles East of
Trondheim, the reality is that existence here is more akin to
Purgatory.
Paul Theroux believes it is
axiomatic that, as soon as somewhere becomes known as a Paradise, it
goes all to Hell. It is also said that the USA is the only nation
ever to have developed from a state of barbarism to a state of
decadence without the intervening phase of civilisation. Well,
Norway in much the same way has developed from a state of Paganism
and gone all to Hell without enjoying the intervening phase of
paradise.
The poor lost souls actually
believe that everything Norwegian is better, safer, fairer and that
the rest of the world is waiting with bated breath to share the
wealth of their experience. They voted to stay out of the EU in the
misguided belief, encouraged by their money-grabbing farmers, that
foreign food is dangerous, substandard and that the rest of Europe
is living in squalor and poverty. At least we are living!
It is rather like I imagine
Britain was when it was “Great”. They actually have bumper stickers
about buying Norwegian and definitely not from their Swedish
neighbours, about whom they have the biggest collective chip on the
shoulder in history. It is an inferiority complex borne out of
centuries of a shared destiny in which Sweden almost invariably came
out on top and, were it not for North Sea Oil, still would be.
A recent United Nations survey
found that Norway was No.3 in the world for good places to
live…after Canada and France, but that probably tells you more about
the UN than about Norway. Perhaps it rates up there alongside
France as the countries for which the neutron bomb was invented, and
with Canadians as the most boring people on earth. The fact that
the UN chose Trygve Lie as its first Secretary General should prove
that Norway is considered an impartial intermediary in international
affairs. It certainly puts them right up there beside Sri Lanka and
Nigeria in terms of global prestige. And anyway, according to the
Economist, Norway’s cost of living is also No.3…after Libya and
Japan.
So much for statistics! A UK
survey of the best places to live in the UK came out with
Newcastle-upon-Tyne as No.1, but would you want to live there? What
they omitted to mention was that the survey was based on the views
of the locals, thus proving that Jordies are more content with their
lot than the rest of us, but not that any of us would want to share
their industrial wasteland with them. Statistics are an extremely
dangerous way of proving anything and, on the whole, the anecdotal
and often apocryphal content of this book will be about as reliable
as any official statistics.
Regardless of statistics and
reinforced by government propaganda (the ruling party is primarily
constituted of farmers) they can and do convince themselves that not
only is their food better than everybody else’s, it is also no more
expensive in terms of purchasing power parity. On the basis that
they spend the same percentage of their income on food as the rest
of Europe, they conclude that they get the same value for money.
The fallacy they fail to spot is that their expenditure on any
particular item is governed by the fact that, like the rest of us
they only have 100% to split amongst their total expenditure. They
are oblivious to the fact that just because they spend the same
percentage does not prevent them being sold foul, boring
carcinogenic garbage. Even faced with evidence that Somalians spend
a similar percentage on food would probably not convince them. The
funny thing is that the Norwegians actually have a joke (actually
they do have more than one joke in Norway) which they tell against
their neighbours illustrating exactly this point:
Erik was complaining to a Swede
about the high price of petrol. The Swede just responded, "I don't
care much about that. I always fill up for 100 kronor anyway."
Their expenditure on books,
however, might appear to indicate some level of literary aspiration
if not prowess. Again the Economist states that they have the
world’s highest per capita expenditure on books in fiction and
non-fiction categories. However, they neatly overlook the fact that
books here cost around double for the imported ones in English (the
majority) or some outrageous sum for their obtuse Norwegian
minority-appeal publications. They seem to think that £15-30 is
about right for a junk paperback. So even if they never bought any
books they would still spend more than everyone else for the
privilege.
But all this is worth the
sacrifice to know that Norway has such an advanced social welfare
and public health system. Of course, like Sweden, they have a
wonderful health service don’t they? Sadly not. Apart from the
fact that it is virtually impossible to find a doctor in the
neighbourhood, let alone try to get an appointment before your
illness takes its natural course and you die anyway, the charge for
5 minutes of a GP’s time is £10, plus £15 for a prescription. A
specialist will charge you £85 just to tell you that you have come
to the wrong office and why don’t you make an appointment next
millennium with the other department.
“You want an X-ray? They are
dangerous so you can only do that as an in-patient.”
“So can I do that?”
“Unfortunately all our beds are
occupied. Look, why don’t you be a nice chap and go away and die
somewhere else?”
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